The hidden promise of “Till death do us part”

I met him 21 years ago at a wedding in California. He was studying in California and his father from Bombay asked him to attend this wedding to meet potential brides. As an act of defiance, he showed up with three girls - one Indian, one Chinese and one White American as his dates to this traditional wedding in Thousand Oaks, California. I got talking to all of them and over the years we became friends. It so happened that he fell in love with one of the women who he showed up with and engaged to her six months later and married two months after that. In a way, I was with them from their very first meeting. Two people from two different cultures thrown together by a prank became life partners. He -  a smart, driven entrepreneur; she - an artist and a life long student. I visited their home filled with cats, dogs, rabbits and backyard filled with chickens, ponies, mules and many other moving creatures. They both loved nature and animals. I witnessed years of their life together with a string of dis-jointed incidents – news of their pit bull jumping the fence and landing in the next door yard; walking through their backyard in the early hours picking ingredients for breakfast – fresh eggs from the cage, tomatoes and green chilies from the garden; having a business meeting with him in the living room while she carved a horse head at the tail of a pencil to give as a gift to me, both of them talking to me on the phone as fire was engulfing most of their neighborhood telling me that they were being evacuated and the most recent one where we all agreed to meet in my next trip to US. There are so many moments small and big that mark our friendship.   

J and S... 

I meander through this memory lane today because of an email I received from him. It was a lengthy description of what happened to her in the last few weeks. I learnt of her having a stroke, of rushing her to the hospital where she told him that she loved him and that he should feed all her animals regularly even though she was in the hospital after which she slipped into a coma. When she woke up, she was totally paralyzed communicating only through batting of her eyelids. She was deteriorating fast and they had to make a decision about putting her on a feeding tube. She has always been a very shy, private person who was happy with her family and pets and I was one of his few friends that she grew close to … perhaps because she saw me as part of their first meeting. She was fiercely independent, incredibly simple, she created a home where she blended in with her animals and did not demand much from anyone else. She, who nurtured countless animals lay herself a wounded one and wanted to go the same way she would let her favourite horse go were it to be incapacitated. True to her nature, the same rule for animals had to be the rule for her. She communicated with the batting of her eyelids that she did not want to be kept alive. He held her hand as she breathed her last on her own terms. 

This incident made me think of love in a whole new way. The worse nightmare of any parent is to lose their child. And for a mother to fight to have her child die says something of the condition of the child. I thought of her parents, of him, of her siblings fighting to let her die. There are stories of people who survived her condition and lead their lives where someone has to take care of them round the clock. What is the effect on those who take care of them?  And for how long can they take care of them? If they are kept in institutions, what is the level of care that they receive?  Should they have tried for a few years and then let her go?  Should he and the mother have dedicated the rest of their lives to take care of her?  Should they have dissuaded her from her wish?  There are no right answers. And no one knows the details of agreements / arguments a couple might have within the confines of their private lives. All I know is that they both were in love for the 20 plus years and she gave an indication that she did not want to live. And they did everything they could to grant her that wish. 

And now, when I think of love, I also think of letting go. For most of us love is the celebration, a feeling of the living but love is also the end. As I bid farewell to her, I think of the agony that she went through in those last days. I am sure that there was some longing to live, to be with loved ones, some survival instinct working hard but her pride not to be dependent on anyone won over all that. Finally, her wish to live fully or not all won any other natural instinct. She remains in my memory as a quietly vibrant soul who built a small world around her of her family, pets and a few friends and I can still see her fingers carve horses of all sizes out of every possible material. 

Most importantly, like she did, I have to let my husband and family know what to do if I were to be a vegetable. It is not fair to toss that responsibility on them who would always feel guilty for pulling the plug but would be fulfilling my instructions if I made them clear. Death is imminent but death with dignity is the dream of every human being. As he wrote to me, he said that he did not want her to die but he wanted to save her from life worse than death. And that was the agreement in their marriage. Her last journey that started with a fall at 4:30pm on May 11^th, filled with major battles with doctors, priests, medical boards, ended the way she silently communicated, at 9.02pm on May 27^th. Memorial day that commemorates those who died saving their country added another veteran to the list… one who died fighting for her dignity.

Julie with her cat 

Trains and More...

the locomotive parked at San Locomotive 

Travel by train is magic for me. I have experienced everything from unreserved ladies compartment to two tier A/C to first class. Regardless of the class of travel, I find myself transported to another world zipping by small towns, street vendors and bear witness to lives of strangers. A mother combing her daughter’s hair sitting on the door step, children playing in the pond while washing buffaloes, farmers tilling the field or chilling under the tree, various modes of transportation stopped at the railway crossing as we speed by – I can spend hours looking at these fast moving scenes and make up stories. My relationship with trains has always been in the journey and in the physical compartment. 

A few weeks ago, right here in Whitefield, Bangalore, I had an opportunity to witness the science behind the locomotive that actually pulls the train. Across the road from Taj Vivanta and ITPL, where thousands of people go to work in the tech sector, there is a large sign that says San Locomotives with a live locomotive parked by the gate. I learnt of a different kind of technology brewing behind those gates. Most of the railway business is in transporting goods. Many large power plants, stone quarries etc have miles of train tracks inside the premises to move the goods back and forth. The Indian railways do not want to get into the business of moving goods for the company. The goods train drops off the large supplies at the gate of the company and leaves it to the company to handle the movement within their premises. And that’s where San locomotives comes into play. They make the locomotives that pull the goods. And there is plenty of technology in the way the locomotives are made.  For example, the housing (metal covering) that houses the engines used to take a person working for 8-10 shifts to make one housing. Today, they have machines that make it in two hours.  Another invention at San is the two engine locomotive. There are many instances, where the train could go empty to the quarry and come back filled with coal, or it could take equipment to power plant and come back empty. In such cases, the locomotive could operate on one engine when it is goes empty and turn on both the engines when it needs to pull more weight. The invention that got me most excited was what I call “ambulance on track”. Many times, accidents occur in very remote places and it might not be possible for vehicles to get there for rescue. They have created a compartment fitted with all first aid kits including an operating theatre with engine built in the underside of the compartment so that it can go easily to the accident site on the train tracks and help people. Just imagine having these available as mobile clinics to go to remote villages and towns to treat people on an on-going basis. We have train tracks going through areas where there are no roads and products like this could be of great help. 

The barracks from second world war in the premise 

Jackfruit trees

It was so refreshing to step away from the traditional definition of technology of gadgets and gizmos and go to a new world of technology. And yet, a bit of greenery and history prevails. On the premises, the barracks from second world war where prisoners of war were kept are still in tact. The premises is full of large trees – some bearing humongous jack fruit while the others spreading their shade.








Thanks to my friends Anna and Milind, who own the place (or “guardians” of the place as they say), it was not just a tech tour but one filled with personal heritage and stories. A whiff of history, a dose of technology, the magic of trains and the warm hospitality of Anna and Milind maketh a great morning feast :)

Anna and Milind